5 pounds of ugly fat

[adamnchains]

Do you know how to make 5 lbs of ugly fat look good???? .... put a nipple on it ;-)

[adamnchains]

4 nuns are at the Pearly Gates with St Peter looking down on them.

When the first nun approaches the gates St Peter asks if shes ever done anything wrong.

The nun replies, "Hm, well I did touch a penis once with my finger."

St Peter thinks about this for a moment and replies with, "Stick your finger in this holy water and you may pass."

The nun does so and goes through the gate.

The 2nd nun approaches and St Peter asks the same question again.

The nun replies, "Well to be honest I touched a penis with my entire hand."

Somewhat shocked St Peter tells her after a moment that she may stick her hand in the holy water and pass.

Upon seeing all of this the 4th nun leans over and asks the 3rd nun "Mind if I rinse my mouth out before you stick your ass in there?"

Ba Dump Cha!

[adamnchains]

A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty the next day. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, his shame and sense of betraal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he’d hear a reassuraning voice in his head that said, “Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients.”

But then he would hear another voice, one that jolted him back to reality. “You are a sick bastard,” it whispered, “and a terrible veterinarian.”

[adamnchains]

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 10 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She enticed him to come in, took him by the hand and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the best sex he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.” He said, “Fuck him, give him a dollar.” The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”

[adamnchains]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[adamnchains]

This woman goes to her husband.

"The car has a flat tire" she told him.

"Does it look like I have 'firestone' written on my head?" he replied.

"Ugh" she walked outta the room.

The next day when her husband walked in from work she said.

"The dish washer down." She told him.

"Does it look like I have 'whirlpool' written on my forehead?"

"Ugh"

The next her husband came home and asked her.

"How did u get this stuff done?"

"The guy next door told me he'd fix them if I gave him a blow job or if I baked him a cake."

"Oh what kinda cake did ya bake him?" he asked her.

"Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"