When this woman my touchable colleague speaks with other women our coworkers, she tends to be overly nice and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. She is radiant and touchable to me. I place my hands on her at any occasion. I gravitate toward her like fruit fly on a banana. I am too sexually attracted to her. I just can't help myself because this is the way that I am, this is how my body react to her. Please don’t be grossed out. I feel so guilty but i just can't stop touching this woman my colleague. I know this sounds strange and maybe even a bit sick to some. I am ugly. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I will take long drives and just think about how sad my life is, how lonely I have become, the things I regret, and what I could have done differently. I do this a few times a week, drive and cry. It makes me feel better momentarily.
I haven't been happy in years, I don't see any signs of it getting any better. I see most people getting excited for the weekend, but for me, I get depressed. I have no girlfriend. I have no one. I have friends, and I have had girlfriends and a long term (12 years) relationship, but only because people tend to like me when they get to know me. I've never received compliments on my looks. It's like my whole life is a struggle because of this. I never feel great or like a winner. I keep no pictures of myself. Sometimes I'll take some with my laptop's webcam or my cellphone, and when I look at them it's really painful. I've taken pictures from every angle and every single one of them looks terrible.
And the problem is that I can't stand to be in any type of relationship anymore because of that. I'm 53 now and the last time I went on a date was 2 years ago. Some lesbian women I've known for a while seem attracted to me, flirt or invite me to activities, but I remember how they looked at me the first time they saw me, and it just kills it for me. Maybe I'm vain and shallow. I just can't get over it. My other problem is that since i was a teenager I am more sexually attracted to heterosexual ultrafeminine tall curvy attractive women. They turn me on. All the women I gotten far with were not my physical type. I just did what a lot of other dykes seem to do and adjust to what the market has to offer. But for the past three months I've been obsessing over this woman my colleague. I developed really strong sexual feelings for her. There is no HR department(it is a small firm) but my boss covers HR issues at work. I’m wondering if I really am just a creepy pervert. It’s making me so anxious and I just really need some nonjudgmental advice. I’m really panicking about this. I'm severely attracted to this touchable woman my colleague and i can't keep my hands off her. I'm worried that I'm taking advantage of this woman. I didn't think much of it at first. She is objectively very attractive, much hotter than any woman I've ever slept with. She says that she is strictly hetero and that just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes her cringe. She is extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy She's hard to avoid since her office is next to mine. I always hug her in full frontal hug pressing my face on her breasts. Since my face is exactly the level of her breasts and she is rather large i find resting my head on them comforting. She is okay with that. She even said that her breasts are a readily-available source of comfort for me.
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